Snert Slayer Chat Wavs

BTVS:

Angel:

Movie:

nameinyourlanguage

Allen: "What is your name?"
Madison: "It's hard to say in English."
Allen: "Then just say it in your language."
Madison: "All right. My name is...[squeals]"
Splash

neitherblacknorwhite

Lirio: "True magic is neither black nor white. It's both because nature is both, loving and cruel, all at the same time."
The Craft

nicejob

Kenickie: "I was lugging boxes at Bargain City, moron."
Sonny: "Nice job."
Kenickie: "Eat me."
Grease

nogotogether

Sandy: "Well, yes, but I still think that you and Cha-Cha went together."
Danny: "We did not go together, Sandy, we just went together."
Grease

numblobe

Frenchy: "Could you please get me some ice to numb her earlobes?"
Marty: "Why don't you just let the cold water run, and stick her ear under the faucet?"
Frenchy: "Oh!"
Grease

overcoat

Jay: "Yo, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?"
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

paranoid

Nancy: "And stop trying to win them over, because it won't work.
Sarah: "I'm not trying to win them over, you're paranoid."
Nancy: "I'm paranoid?"
Sarah: "Paranoid."
Nancy: "I'm not paranoid!"
Bonnie: "Paranoid."
Nancy: "Would you guys SHUT UP?!"
The Craft

peachykeen

Rizzo: "Peachy keen, jelly bean."
Grease

piratesofpenzance

Lady: "Did you enjoy the opera, dear?"
Vivian: "It was so good, I almost peed my pants!"
Lady: "What?"
Edward: "She said she liked it better than Pirates of Penzance."
Pretty Woman

pissofflou

Daniel: "In the words of Porky Pig, 'Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-piss off, Lou.'"
Mrs Doubtfire

pornography

Holden: "The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another."
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

preservedgranny

Natalie: "She smells funny, too."
Daniel: "That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved."
Mrs Doubtfire

prettystiff

Edward: "$100 an hour. Pretty stiff."
Vivian: "Well, no, but it's got potential."
Pretty Woman

princecondo

Vivian: "When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would pretend I was a princess, trapped in a tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly this knight on a white horse with these colors flying would come charging up and draw his sword. And I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me. But never in all the time that I had this dream did the knight say to me, 'Come on, baby, I'll put you up in a great condo.'
Pretty Woman

purepink

Rizzo: "She looks too pure to be pink."
Grease

reallyniceguy

Walter: "I'm really a nice guy. If I had friends you could ask them."
Splash

reallyoffensive

Mr. Hollister: "Exactly how obscene an amount of money are we talking about here? Profane or really offensive?"
Edward: "Really offensive."
Mr. Hollister: "I like him so much."
Pretty Woman

recognizepie

James Van Der Beek: "You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anyone watch the WB?"
Jason Biggs: "I'm a teen idol, dammit! Don't you recognize me? Look at me. I'm the pie fucker!"
Gordon: "Yeah, well. In prison, he'll be the pie."
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

ripemup

Coach Calhoun: "We're gonna yank 'em up, and tear 'em and rip 'em and we're gonna take 'em and roll 'em around, and RIP 'em up to pieces! And then we're gonna slaughter them!"

robotbutwithyou

Vivian: "It's like what you're saying. You stay numb, you don't get involved. When I'm with a guy, I'm like a robot. I just do it. I mean...except for with you."
Edward: "Of course not with me."
Pretty Woman

safetybuffet

Vivian: "Pick one. I got red, I got green, I got yellow. I'm out of purple, but I do have one Gold Circle coin left. The condom of champions. The one and only, nothin' is gettin' through this sucker. Whaddya say, hmm?
Edward: "A buffet of safety."
Vivian: "I'm a safety girl."
Pretty Woman

shakeatit

The T-Birds: "Do a split, give a yell, shake a tit for ol' Rydell!"
Grease

sharpuseless

Edward: "What makes you think I'm a lawyer?"
Vivian: "You've got that sharp, useless look about you."
Pretty Woman

shyrefrigerator

Allen: "Why wouldn't you let me in?"
Madison: "I was...shy."
Allen: "You were shy? After the car, and the elevator, and the bedroom, and on top of the refrigerator, you were shy?"
Madison: "I was shy."
Splash

sleptwithfish

Freddie: "What you looking at? You never seen a guy who slept with a fish before?"
Splash

spankus

Jay: "In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey. The monkey will spank us."
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

takingshaft

Banky: "I'm so fucking embarassed."
Hooper: "Honey, you should be. They took your characters and turned them into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching 'Batman & Robin' again."
Banky: "Thanks. That means a lot coming from the guy who pretends to be Shaft as opposed to the guy who takes shaft."
Hooper: "Oh, unh-unh! I don't hear you complaining nightly!"
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

talkdirtypig

Rizzo: "You pig!"
Kenickie: "Oh, I love it when you talk dirty!"
Grease

tellmeaboutitstud

Sandy: "Tell me about it, Stud!"
Grease

thebombin

Jay: "Affleck, you the bomb in Phantoms, yo!"
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

touritstsphotobody

Detective: "Hey, hey, hey, excuse me. What are you, with the press?"
Tourists: "No, we're from Orlando."
Detective: "Oh, I don't believe this, I've got tourists photographing the body."
Pretty Woman

trousersnake

Jay: "So you like animals, huh?"
Justice: "Sure."
Jay: "That's cool. Even snakes?"
Justice: "Well, you can't exclude an animal just 'cause they're not cuddly. Of course I like snakes."
Jay: "How about trouser snakes?"
Justice: "Ooh, what's a trouser snake?"
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

usedtomale

Daniel: "Yah, my name is Ilsa Immelmann. And I want to know, how many children do you have?"
Miranda: "I have two girls and a boy."
Daniel: "Ah, a boy. I don't work with the males, because I used to be one."
Mrs Doubtfire

usinghimforsex

Lady: "So, you're the flavor of the month."
Lady: "She's just being testy. Edward is our most eligible bachelor. Everybody is trying to land him.
Vivian: "Oh, I'm not trying to land him, I'm just using him for sex."
Pretty Woman

welldone!

Edward: "Well done."
Vivian: "Well done! Woot woot woot!"
Pretty Woman

whopbamboom

Danny: "A-whop bom a loo ma-"
Group: "A whop bam boom!"
Grease

wittyadvantage

Lyle as Becky: "My name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!
Lyle as Handsome Rob: "Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck."
Lyle: [Becky] "Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?"
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] "If it's on the menu."
Lyle: [Becky] "Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?"
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] "Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?"
Lyle: [Becky] "No."
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] "Perfect."
The Italian Job

wonderoos

Justice: "We all gotta grow up sometime."
Sissy: "If moping around over some boy you're crushing on is growing up, then pass me my wonderwoman underoos. Ow!"
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Firefly:

Television:

addictedconflict

Foreman: "You're addicted to conflict."
House: "Did they change the name?"
House // Forever

analfissure

House: "Hey, how's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize he came back for seconds. I figured that after that girl in the stairwell you'd be done for the night."
Chase: "He's joking."
House: "No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time."
House // All In

angelinajoliemom

Cameron: "Who was that?"
House: "Angelina Jolie. I call her “Mom.” Who thinks that’s sexy?"
House // Daddy's Boy

antibioticspain

Foreman: "The biopsy will tell us for sure what's wrong."
House: "The antibiotics could do the same thing."
Foreman: "Could, not will."
House: "We try, we see..."
Foreman: "The antibiotics will bring back the pain!"
House // Euphoria

antisemantic

Moriarty: "You don't care if you live or die?"
House: "I care because I live. I can't care if I'm dead."
Moriarty: "I don't wanna hear semantics."
House: "You anti-semantic bastard!"
House // No Reason

appalledithink

Wolf: "If I get eliminated tonight, I'll be appalled. Is that a bad word? It don't mean something good, do it?"
I Love New York 2

assassass

Chance: "Give me a hug, bitch, please. I ain't hugging your ass. I already done slapped your ass, shook your ass, tapped that ass. Man, get your ass up out of here."
I Love New York

assumepainintheass

House: "What's that saying? When you *ass*ume, you become a pain in the ass to me?"
House // Forever

autopsylivingperson

House: "Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?"
Cuddy: "Are you high?"
House: "If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted."
House // Autopsy

baboonsassbackside

Santino: "She looks like, like a baboon's ass exploded on her backside."
Project Runway

babyout

Will: "Let's start with his stomach. It's soft, like a baby's. And like a baby, HE JUST CAME OUT!"
Will & Grace // Gay it Forward

badpokergoodhooker

Cameron: "Why would you need $5,000?"
Chase: "Bad night at poker or great night with a hooker."
House: "Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke."
House // Daddy's Boy

bballplayercollege

Cameron: "Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a 6 foot hose shoved into your large intestine?"
House: "No. But I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college."
House // Sleeping Dogs Lie

bodiesandfaces

Barry: "Are gay guys only about bodies and faces?"
Jack: Absolutely not. They're only about bodies. Faces you can cover up with a cute hat or leather hood."
Will & Grace // Attack of the Clones

boygeorge

Will: "Boy George, I think he's got it!"
Will & Grace // Attack of the Clones

braincrotch

House: "When guys have brain/crotch problems, it’s usually the result of using one too much and the other too little."
House // Sex Kills

braindamagecoffee

House: "I take mine black. The way I take my brain-damaged neurologist."
House // Forever

bunnymeth

House: "It could cause her to twitch like a bunny on crystal meth."
House // Histories

casualroughsex

House: "What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex?"
House // Deception

causeaseizure

House: "Strobing lights and high-pitched sounds can provoke a seizure. [Proceeds to spaz out]"
House // Euphoria

chaseshrine

House: "She’s got pictures of you in here. Just you and…it’s like some kind of weird shrine."
Chase: "You’re kidding."
House: "Yeah."
House // Humpty Dumpty

chickenwings

It: "We never chilled and ate chicken wings on a bench, or ate french fries outside on a bench in the projects, you know what I'm saying?"
I Love New York 2

chocmarshbunnies

House: "Me, I'm a freak. I get off on not being in pain. That and chocolate-covered marshmallow bunnies."
House // Love Hurts

curedeath

Chase: "You want us to do a deferential diagnosis on a dead person?"
House: "We're going to cure her."
Cameron: "We're going to cure death?"
House: "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
House // Sex Kills

daddysmokes

House: "Mommy and Daddy are fighting, but we love you all the same as before. Now go out and play. Bring Daddy some smokes and an arterial blood gas test."
House // Acceptance

deadbabybutt

House: "Chase, will you get your head out of the dead baby's butt and focus on the barely alive-"
House // Forever

deadrabbit

Janice: "There's dignity and respect in the fashion industry. Some guy stripping down t his bare-assed nothing and showing us his dead rabbit? That's not cool."
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency

dedicateshoot

Moriarty: "You wasted your life."
House: "Yeah. If only I'd spent more time dedicating myself to finding someone worthy to shoot."
House // No Reason

depoprovara

Tony: "I want to get Depo Provara."
House: "Actually, at your age, as long as you're careful, the risk of you getting pregnant is pretty limited."
House // Sex Kills

developfeet

Julie: "You have huge feet too. I like that."
Grace: "Yeah. I waited my whole life to develop, and those are the only things that grew."
Will & Grace // Gay it Forward

divinehealthmanage

House: "So, you're a faith healer? Or is that a perjorative? Do you prefer something like 'divine health management'?"
House // House vs God

doctorbling

Rodney: "My son says you’re a manipulative bastard."
House: "It’s a pet name. I call him Dr. Bling'."
House // Euphoria

doermetoo

House: "Be a do'er, not a me-too'er."
House // House vs God

drfrankensteinwasgay

Grace: "Dr Frankenstein wasn't a homo!"
Will: "Oh, really? He sewed together a bunch of guys to make the perfect man? Wrapped him in linen? Gave him a flat head so he could set a drink on it? Dr Frank was a 'mo, my friend. He was a 'mo."
Will & Grace // Attack of the Clones

dyingloveyou

House: "You're dying, and suddenly everybody loves you."
Wilson: "You have a cane, nobody even likes you."
House: "I'm not terminal, merely pathetic. You wouldn't believe the crap people let me get away with."
House // Autopsy

eatingownfeces

Santino: "Yeah, eating my own feces is the key to everything."
Project Runway

favcolorbwue

House: "It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color...'bwue'."
House // No Reason

frenchshoes

House: "Your lips say no, but your shoes say yes."
Wilson: "They're French. You can't trust a word they say."
House // Fidelity

getsomesomemoney

Wilson: "You really really need to get some."
House: "I get some 'some' all the time. I always need to borrow 'some' money."
House // Spin

gfmoanscream

Foreman: "Where are you?"
House: "At your girlfriend’s place. Ignore the moaning and squeaking."
House // Hunting

goddrunk

Jeffrey: "I ended up with Angela's mom, because I think God got drunk today."
Project Runway

godtumor

Wilson: "How'd it go?"
House: "She has God inside her. It would have been easier to deal with a tumor."
House // Damned if You Do

goodbraindamage

House: "You're brain damaged. Doomed to feeling good for the rest of your life."
House // Poison

halfeatensheep

Wilson: "Doctor Jekyll, I presume? They found a half-eaten sheep in the zoo, and the police want to ask you a few questions."
House: "Need something to wash it down."
House // Distractions

halfjewish

House: "You Jewish?"
Dr Gilmar: "Yeah."
House: "Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?"
Dr Gilmar: "Two hours of begging?"
House: "I heard four."
Dr Gilmar: "Well, actually I'm only half-Jewish."
House // Kids

hamstringtwister

Crandall: "Heard about your leg."
House: "Yeah, pulled my hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off."
House // Who's Your Daddy

healthnotbreasts

Cameron: "Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?"
House: "Could be relevant."
House // Skin Deep

heatherleaves

Heather: "Since I've been here, I've learned so much. I've learned to be more confident, I've learned to not always be so self conscious. And that not everyone's gonna judge you just because you have...you were born a certain way. I think the experience is much more than a prize."
America's Next Top Model // Cycle 9

highstrunglapdog

Cuddy: "Why do you have to make everything so dramatic?"
House: "Because I'm a very high-strung little lap dog."
House // Role Model

hitbybullet

House: "He did, however get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning."
Cameron: "He was shot?"
House: "No, somebody threw it at him."
House // Euphoria

homosexualdate

Barry: "Sorry I'm late. I didn't know what to wear for our second homosexual date."
Will: "Traditionally whatever's hanging on your homosexual chair in your homosexual bedroom."
Will & Grace // Gay it Forward

houndrape

Chance: "Hey, man, stop raping that hound!"
I Love New York

houseisgay

Stacy: "What are you hiding?"
House: "I’m gay. Oh...that’s not what you meant. It does explain a lot though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers..."
House // The Mistake

housemessage

House on Answering Machine: "You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, go with it, hang up, on three. One, two...::beep::"
House // Who's Your Daddy

housemoo

House: "Moooooo!"
House // Sex Kills

howmanyfingersold

Karen: "How many fingers old are you, big guy?"
Randall: "What? Bitch, I got a beard and three grey pubes!"
Will & Grace // Friends with Benefits

humansex

Cameron: "Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulse from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland. And the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly, and it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago."
House // Occam's Razor

idaman

House: "Who da man? I da man."
House // Control

idiotsarefun

House: "Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one."
House // Forever

iheartcows

Tony: "I love cows."
House // Sex Kills

impersonateteam

House: "Okay, I’ll be you guys."
House as Chase: "No way, myte, too much blood to be just a vein."
House as Foreman: "No way, Hizzy. If it were an artery, he’d still be bleeding."
House as Cameron: "Actually, he’d be dead."
House // No Reason

intentionallydense

Cuddy: "Are you being intentionally dense?"
House: "Huh?"
House // Humpty Dumpty

internetporn

House: "Sorry, up late. Internet porn."
Chase: "How come you’re not in your office?"
House: "Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off."
House // Babies and Bathwater

jayformichael

Jay: "I definitely think Michael Knight's gonna win, because you picked the gay white guy first, then you picked the Asian immigrant second, and you're gonna pick the black guy third."
Project Runway

justawhitelie

Foreman: "You did exactly what white people do. You figure we don't need to know the truth, or can't understand it. So you just lie to us."
House: "Just a white lie."
Foreman: "Good one, 'massa."
House // Humpty Dumpty

kicktesticle

Brennan: "Stop, or I'll kick you in the testicles!"
Bones // Death in the Saddle

killedforaminute

Wilson: "Heard you killed your supermodel."
House: "Only for a minute."
House // Skin Deep

killmorewhites

Cameron: "Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence then white."
Foreman: "Doesn’t mean we need to get rid of the death penalty – we just need to kill more white people."
House // Acceptance

knowusecane

House: "Look, I have a cane and I know how to use it."
House // Socratic Method

leanintodoorknob

Karen: "I just met the most incredible man!"
Rosario: "Are you sure you just didn't lean into the doorknob again?"
Will & Grace // The Guy Who Loved Me

lisalovesbubbles

Lisa: "I don't know about everybody else, but I love bubbles!"
America's Next Top Model // Cycle 5

littlepeopleinside

Lucille: "This is what a woman is supposed to look like. Okay, we’re not just skin and bones. We have flesh. We have curves."
House: "You have little people inside you."
House // Heavy

lwordmarathon

House: "Tonight – L Word marathon."
Wilson: "You watch The L Word?"
House: "On mute."
House // Forever

makelovenotbelts

Tony: "Leather shoes, hamburgers. How could anybody do that to a cow?"
House: "Make love, not belts?"
House // Sex Kills

makingsomeonegay

Jack: "Making someone gay is exhausting. I don't know how my mother did it."
Will & Grace // Attack of the Clones

marrycane

House: "Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend."
Kalvin: "Honey, I will marry it if you will look at my file."
House: "Congress says you can’t."
House // Hunting

messwithvegans

Karen: "I've got Stella Mcartney meeting me at the man' for a fitting, and I want Rosario to slaughter a chicken in front of her. It's fun to mess with Vegans."
Will & Grace // Friends with Benefits

metalfriend

Cuddy: "Says he knows you. I thought I knew all your friend."
House // Who's Your Daddy

midgetsu

Midget Mac: "Short, tall, medium, fat, I'll chop their ass down with that midget-su."
I Love New York 2

missstacey

Wilson: "Right. Giant coincidence you've gone completely off the rails since she left. Inducing migraines, worsening leg pain." ::WHACK!:: "Ow!"
House: "Aw, you miss Stacy, too?"
House // Skin Deep

momhitcallback

Randall: "You slapped me."
Jack: "Well, you were gonna attack me."
Randall: "I haven't been slapped since my mom used to hit me when I didn't get a callback!"
Will & Grace // Friends with Benefits

moogoolove

Jack: "And Moo Goo Gai Pan is the food of love."
Will: "Really?"
Jack: "Why do you think there's so many Chinese people?"
Will & Grace // The Guy Who Loved Me

newyorkpanties

New York: "When Pretty carried me up the stairs, the only thing that's running through my mind is, 'Bitch, you are so smart for putting panties on.'"
I Love New York 2

nokissnosex

Chase: "If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex."
House: "Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth."
House // Autopsy

nopecsnosex

Jack: "Remember, no pecs, no sex!"
Will & Grace // Attack of the Clones

normandytarget

House: "Keep your answers short and discreet. Is Cuddy still playing?"
Wilson: "The chicken is still in Picadilly Square."
House: "Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is her target."
House // All In

notafraidofdying

Rodney: "I don't want you to be afraid."
Foreman: "If I'm not afraid of dying, then what the hell should I be afraid of, Dad?"
House // Euphoria

notgivingawaysoul

House: "I am selling my soul."
Wilson: "Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return."
House: "I said I was selling it. I didn't say I was giving it away. That would be immoral and stupid."
House // Role Model

nursestalk

Boyd: "The nurses talk about you a lot."
House: "Ah, don’t believe them. I keep a sock in my pants."
House // House vs God

nurturehug

House: "I chose one to encourage, to nurture."
Foreman: "Yeah, you're all about the nurture."
House: "Do you need a hug?"
House // Deception

obviouscontest

Chris: "You're reading a comic book."
House: "And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were having a 'state the obvious' contest."
House // Histories

onepercentagepoint

House: "It's off by one percentage point."
Foreman: "It's within range, it's normal."
House: "If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin."
House // Autopsy

overlap

Stacy: "I'm a lawyer, you're a jerk. There's gonna be some overlap."
House: "God, I hope that was a euphemism."
Stacy: "Cuddy just reamed me!"
House: "I hope that one means what I think it does."
House // Acceptance

patientleash

Wilson: "Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallways?"
House: "His leash broke."
House // House vs God

penisvaginatent

Karen: "There's a penis and a vagina in a tent and it's on fire. Which do you save?"
Will: "Why are they in a tent?"
Will & Grace // Gay it Forward

peppermintpatterson

Chance: "Mrs Patterson, Sister Patterson. They gotta get me up outta here. Peppermint Patterson."
I Love New York

phonesdead

Wilson: "Do you know your phone’s dead? Do you ever recharge your batteries?"
House: "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."
House // Failure to Communicate

placardbendover

Foreman: "No worries. I'll let you keep your parking space."
House: "You can have it. You'll also need my handicap placard. Bend over."
House // Deception

popacap

Cameron: "Maybe between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts you could've tipped me off."
House: "Then I'd have Foreman pissed off... and as annoying as you can be, at least I know you're not gonna pop a cap in my ass."
House // Sleeping Dogs Lie

possiblyallme

Foreman: "We explained the anaphylaxis..."
House: "What do you mean we? I did! At least I thought I did. Maybe I didn't. Still it was all me!"
House // Safe

pregnanthighschool

Stacy: "We need to talk."
House: "Oh god, are you pregnant? 'Cause I really want to finish high school."
House // Spin

purgawaittory

Barney: "Step six is called purg...wait for it...keep waiting...keep waiting for all of eternity only to discover there's no escape ATORY!"
How I Met Your Mother // The Platinum Rule

rainweddingday

House: "You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day."
House // Euphoria

realityiswrong

Wilson: "So reality was wrong?"
House: "Reality is almost always wrong."
House // Occam's Razor

rectalbleeding

Cameron: "We've got rectal bleeding."
House: "What, all of you?"
House // Sleeping Dogs Lie

refuselovepuppy

House: "Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear."
House // TB or not TB

ripoffbotharms

Randall: "Hey, nobody talks to me like that, okay?! You're dead, man! I'm gonna rip off both your arms, I'm going flip you off with one of them, and then I'm going to beat you with the other one. Are you READY to get your ASS KICKED?"
Will & Grace // Friends with Benefits

rockthekasbah

Santino: "Daniel, I think what you've created is delicious. Designers, rock the kasbah."
Project Runway

santinosings

Santino singing "Lighten up, it's just fashion".
Project Runway

santinowantsyoursoul

Santino: "I WANT YOUR SOUL!"
Project Runway

saynostrangle

House: "Like I tell all my patients, you've simply got to say 'no' to strangulation."
House // Love Hurts

sharpchopstick

House: "Not the sharpest chopstick in the drawer, is she?"
House // Sleeping Dogs Lie

sizeofmuscle

Mark: "It’s not the size of the muscle. It’s where you get to put it."
House // Spin

smughighlights

Wilson: "That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality."
House: "Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain."
House // Occam's Razor

socialeventgayseason

Karen: "The Human Rights Campaign Gala is in a month. It's the social event of the gay season. Well, next to the Republican National Convention."
Will & Grace // Attack of the Clones

spacepants

Santino: "Are these spacepants? Because my ass is out of this world."
Project Runway

spewrainbows

Jenah: "I don't have to just spew rainbows incessantly just for girls to want to be like me."
America's Next Top Model // Cycle 9

sportsthoughts

Barry: "I can't do that, he's out of my league! He's an all-star, I'm barely in the minors."
Will: "Sports, again? What did I tell you to do when those thoughts come into your head?"
Barry: "Right. Judi, Liza, Barbra, Bette. These are names I shan't forget."
Will & Grace // Attack of the Clones

stuckignoreother

House: "Well, as long as we're stuck with each other, we might as well ignore each other." [Hava Naglia plays] "That wasn't nearly as dramatic as I was hoping."
House // Control

swedishtwerp

Wilson: "Of course, in Swedish the word 'friend' can also be translated as 'limping twerp'."
House // Histories

talkingcookies

Karen: "I'm a little more together than you think."
Leo: "Hey, hey! Anyone order a Cookie bouquet?"
Karen: "The TALKING COOKIES! They're BAAAAAAAACK!!"
Will & Grace // Attack of the Clones

taradise

Kayne: "I thought it might be Tara Reid because she's the only jetsetter that I can think of that was hip. She had that show 'Taradise', and she always took off her tops and showed her boobies."
Project Runway

threesomehelpful

Cameron: "If you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage."
House: "Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment."
House // Clueless

toolbox

Julie: "You need a hand unpacking? I'm happy to help, unless you have a bunch of personal weird stuff you don't want me to see."
Grace: "No, just don't open the one marked 'Tools'."
Will & Grace // Gay it Forward

topoflistwilmer

Randall: "You have just become the top of my List of Enemies. Youhave just leapt RIGHT past Wilmer Volderama. Congratulations, BUDDY!"
Will & Grace // Friends with Benefits

trademarkinfringe

House: "He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing..."
Wilson: "And you're worried about trademark infringement?"
House // House vs God

twistedpoliticianbrain

Foreman: "You wanna cut into his brain?"
House: "Dangerous, I know. Especially as he’s a politician, his brain’s all twisted."
House // Role Model

wasabiballs

Grace: "I'm gonna deep fry your balls, dip 'em in wasabi paste, and fly 'em freight back to L.A."
Saving Grace // Is There a Scarlet Letter on my Breast?

whatsritalin

Chance: "That [bleep] Boston told me I need Ritalin and [bleep] like that. I need Ritalin and [bleep]? I need Ritalin? Phew, man, come on, man. What is Ritalin?
I Love New York

whippedcweam

House: "Favorite...dessert topping? Trust me, you never know what fact may prove the key to saving your life."
Harpo: "Whipped...cweam."
House // No Reason

wilsonasgod

Wilson: "House, this is God."
House: "Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?"
Wilson: "Let me check. Oh, I got a plague! How about Friday?"
House: "You'll have to check with Cameron."
Wilson: "Oh, damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time."
House // Skin Deep

valvesnotreal

Wilson: "Oh, no wonder you were in the mood. This month's New Jersey Journal of Cardiology."
House: "Have you seen the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real!"
House // Safe

yachtexpert

Foreman: "Guy's probably a heroin addict. Explains the tachycardia, which caused the pulminary adema."Chase: "How does an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?"
Foreman: "Are you serious?"
House: "Man knows prisons. When we got a yachting question, we'll come to you."
House // Acceptance

yezzir

Chance: "[Bleep] him and his backstabbing big fat-mouthed blabber-ass ninja turtle-looking [bleep] yezzir talking sipping mother[bleep] ass."
I Love New York

yiffing

Bud: "It started as a scritch, then everyone got in a fur pile, and pretty soon we were all yiffing."
CSI // Fur and Loathing

Personal:

Miscellaneous:

womaninplasticcup

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."
Eddie Izzard // Glorious

Voice Mails: