• "When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick...that I can remember."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said, 'Do you want me to put 'em in a bag?' I said, 'Oh, no, man, I juggle. I always juggle 8. If I'm ever in here buying 9 apples, fucking bag 'em up!"
  Mitch Hedberg

• "Don't ring 976-BAAA. That kinda love's a crime, hey."

• Guy: "Aaaah!"
  America Inline parody

• Woman: "I'm a bad girl."

• Mitch Hedberg: "When I was on acid, I would see things, like beams of lights. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns."
  

• "Hey, you know what keeps me from acting? Fucking auditions."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Adam Busch: "I guess I'm fortunate that I got that long break. I guess I'm fortunate for the nap that I got to take. But everytime I'm down so long, I can only think about what went wrong, and how I'm feeling all aplumb out of luck, that guy paid seven dollars to tell me I suck."
  Common Rotation // Fortunate

• "We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That's a showbiz term for 'add sugar to'."
  Mitch Hedberg

• "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Chick: "Officer, what do you mean? I don't have any blood in my alcohol system."

• "Lord Have Mercy, it's a room full of sheep molestors."

• Dr Frankenstein: "She's alive...alive!"

• Adam Busch: "This guy over here in the snake skin, with his obssessive love of 70's gay pornography. He watches them all, and he alphabetizes them, but he doesn't alphabetize them by the movie, but by the porn star, which is just really sick."
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• "His neighbors? 'Yeah, he was really quiet. That boy always said hi to me, though.' So if you guys have a neighbor being real cool, always saying hi? Take him out."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "I wish I was like you, easily amused."

• Irish Man: "Don't change the subject, just answer the fucking question."

• Redneck: "I wouldn't trust this overgrown pile of microchips any farther than I could throw it."

• Big old AOL parody.

• Man: "What does that mean?! Jesus, I hate this thing!"
  Announcer: "American online. It's knowledge, it's power..."
  Man: "IT SUCKS!"
  AOL Parody

• Guy: "He's got a point there."
  Other guy: "Yeah. On his head!"

• Applause.

• "I like to drink red wine. This girl said, 'Doesn't red wine give you a headache?' Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing! I'm not gonna do something because of what happens at the end. 'Mitch, do you want an apple?' No, eventually it will be a core."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Eddie: "So, I didn't join the army...as you might have noticed. There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?"
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• "Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look, a dead guy. Let's go that way.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• "A-S-S-H-O-L-E, everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E!"

• Mitch Hedberg: "You know, you can't please all the people all the time. And last night, all the people were at my show."
  

• Eddie: "Hi, I'm Crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes! Do you want a rack of babies? We've got babies on racks. Mmmm, they taste of chicken! They do, babies taste of chicken. Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chickens taste of humans. Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that one."
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• "Baby, baby, I get down on my knees for you."
  You've Lost That Loving Feeling, by The Righteous Brothers

• "No stems, no seeds that you don't need. Acupulco gold is badass weed."
  Pass the Bone by The Genius

• Chris Isaak: "Baby did a bad, bad thing."
  

• Child: "Ahh, you said a bad word!"

• Jack: "Oh, wow, how'd you get a car?"
  Guy: "Oh, my folks drove it up here from the bahamas."
  Jack: "You're kidding."
  Guy: "I must be, the bahamas are islands."
  Dead Milkmen // Bitching Camaro

• 'What kind of bread?' Rye. No, fuck, Banana! You got banana bread? 'What kind of cheese?' Cottage! 'Get the fuck out! I’m not making a Banana Bread-Pastrami-Cottage Cheese sandwich. That would severely ruin my reputation!'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• "I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that frito, Dad.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• A combination of birthday greetings.

• Chick: "Where's the beef?!"

• "Don't worry, be happy. {Don't worry, be happy now}"

• Jack Black: "Um, do you believe in God?"
  KG: "I believe, I believe."
  Jack Black: "You do?"
  KG: "I believe in God. I believe in God."
  Jack Black: (laughs) "Y'do--"
  KG: "I believe in God."
  Jack Black: "Do you?"
  KG: "I believe in God."
  City Hall, by Tenacious D

• Betty Boop's trademark.

• Mitch Hedberg: "I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourself."
  

• Dennis Miller: "What is cool today may not be cool tomorrow. That's why it's best just to be yourself. You know, unless of course you're an asshole."
  

• Sir Mix A Lot: "I like big butts and I cannot lie."

• "I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Chihuahua: "I think I need a bigger box."
  Taco Bell Commercial

• Eddie: "This is a human thing, we only like to learn a little bit of a song. We can't be bothered. The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle. Cause you start strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit...'And fish in the sky, and a big monkey pie...'"
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• Guy: "You're an inspiration for birth control."

• Chick: "Bitch from hell, that's me!"

• Guy: "Okay, the important thing here is that you ask me what kind of car it is."
  Jack: "Uh, what kinda car do you got?"
  Guy: "I've got a bitchin' Camaro."
  Dead Milkmen // Bitching Camaro

• The sound of a bitchslap.

• I have absolutely no clue. Some guys saying something very strange.

• Echo-y Guy: "Bite your own self, I'm busy."

• "Kicked ass at the father-son picnic, too. We didn't win the blue ribbon, but we have it in our possession."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Matthew Mconahey telling a story about his goat William.

• Sounds like Weird Al saying, "Bootie."

• Guy: "Boot to the head!"

• "You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?"
  Mitch Hedberg

• "Borderline, seems like I'm going to lose my mind. You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline. Borderline, seems like I'm going to lose my mind. You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline."
  Common Rotation // Borderline

• David Sedaris: "If I could hope to one day carry on a fluent conversation, it was a relatively short leap to believing that a rabbit might visit my home in the middle of the night, leaving behind a handful of chocolate kisses and a carton of menthol cigarettes."

• "Normal people haven't had enough problems in their life in order to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens, they just snap. '::sob:: Toilet backed up. Is there no god?!?!? Oh, I'm getting a pick axe and I'm going to Burger King.'"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Mitch Hedberg: "Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bull****."
  

• Sir Mix A Lot: "My homeboys tried to warn me, but that butt you got makes m-m-me so horny."

• Guy: "I want to buy some cheese!"

• Chick: "Candy is dandy, but diamonds just might get you laid."

• Queen: "NO! We will not let you go!"
  From Bohemian Rhapsody

• "The most hyper-happy human. If you showed up at our house, before you even hit the door, my wife would be on you. 'Oh my god, can I get you a soda do you want a sandwich can I get you a blanket ha ha ha ha ha ha!' But because she's like that, it really makes me get her urine tested more frequently. It came back with Care Bear DNA."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Robin Williams: "Is it me, or are cats drag queens? I think they are."
  

• Eddie: [as Jesus] 'Well, what would you have done?'
  [as God] 'I would have done cheese and wine, cheese and wine goes together much better than bread and wine. "Eat this cheese for it is my body."'
  [as Jesus] But it's Judea, Dad. Cheese melts.
  [as God] Alright then, "Eat this cheese for it is my central nervous system." Hmmmm."
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• Guy: "Blessed are the cheesemakers!"

• Chick: "And the sex...oh...it was so good...oh...even the neighbors had a cigarette."

• Mitch Hedberg: "That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes."
  

• "I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Groucho Marx: "I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

• Bill Cosby: "I said, 'Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?' And the guy said, 'Well, it intensifies your personality.' I said, 'Yes, but what if you're an asshole?'"
  Bill Cosby // Himself

• Man: "I take my coffee the way I take my women."
  Woman: "Are you sure you want to pay 75 bucks for a cup of coffee?"

• Guy: "It's coffee time! Coffee coffee coffee coffee! Cappucino! Java! Yes!"

• "I get a cold sore, I hate to say it, Minnesota, but in a cold sore, I put carmex on it 'cause carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I dunno if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. It is like a cold sore highlighter! Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Woman: "What we've got here is....failure to communicate."

• Heh. I don't want to ruin the fun. You have to hear it.

• "And on Thanksgiving Day, Mom had one of her turkeys on the table at 4:15. Well, this man thought it should be on the table at 4:00, so he picked it up, threw it across the room. So my mom countered with a boiling pot of potatoes. As was her right!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Christopher Walken: "I got a fever. And the only prescription. Is more cowbell."
  Saturday Night Live

• Man: "They might start forming a cult. Hmm. Cow cult."

• Mitch Hedberg: "This guy bumped into me, which was cool, but he didn't apologize. He said, 'Move.' I thought that was rude so I said, 'Go to hell,' then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had on a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a pony-tail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, 'Hey, you got a lot of nerve.' I said 'Hey, you have a lot of... cranium accessories.'"
  

• "You know Krazy Straws, they go all over the place. These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They said, 'We're goin' straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there...he's crazy.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• "What's say you climb down off the cross, use the wood to build a bridge, and GET OVER IT!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Adam Busch: "And I said Daddy, Daddy Iglesias! Tell me it's not true. Tell me there's such thing as an artist."
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• Bill Cosby: "And because of my father between the ages of seven through fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ. 'Jesus Christ!' And my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. 'Dammit, will you stop all that noise?' And, 'Jesus Christ, sit down!' One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father said, 'Dammit will you get in here!' I said, 'Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!'"
  Bill Cosby // Himself

• Barney's demise.

• "Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow ::PUNCH!::"

• Robot: "Are you deaf, or just a retard? Huh?"
  Chick: "I'm not a retard."
  Robot: "I didn't think so, because even a deaf retard could play better than you!" ::crying:: "Oh, did I hurt your feelings? Oh, boo hoo, the retard's so sad."
  Angrybot

• Mitch Hedberg: "A lot of death metal bands have intense names like 'Rigor Mortis' or 'Mortuary' or 'Obituary'. We were that intense. We just went with 'Injured'.
  

• Guy: "This is what happens when demented people play with powerful toys."

• Singsong: "Detachable penis."

• "I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, 'Can I use the phone?' I said, 'Certainly.' He said, 'Do I need to dial 9?' 'Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• "Did you ever wonder if you mom gave Dad a blowjob right before she kissed you good night?"
  

• Robot: "Nobody ever died from somebody getting angry. Well, nobody cool ever did."
  Angrybot

• "The commercial for Diet Dr Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well then, they fucked up."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Very tiny Clip of Christina's song, "Dirrty."

• "Dirty deeds, done with sheep! Dirty deeds, little bo peep! Dirty deeds! Done with sheep. Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep. Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep."

• Chick: "That's it, this party's gettin' dirty. I'm putting on my clothes, and going home."

• Beastie Boys: "Jackin' Mike D to my dismay."

• Eddie: "They had the Death Star. Death Star, almost like a New York name. Death Star, it gets to the point. What's that star? It’s the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death!"
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• "Velcro gloves, knee pads, late night dates. Done with sheep!"

• Eddie: "Even though the American Armed Forces have a distinct policy of Don't Ask, Don't Tell towards the alternative sexuality, if you're a bloke wearing makeup, I don't think they need to ask, really."
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• "But in this case, this man got up, beat the crap out of my mom and crushed her face in. Yeah, so she went upstairs, got a gun, came down and shot him three times. 'Cause she didn't want him to do that again."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Adam Busch: "I guess I'm fortunate, but I don't know this verse. I guess I'm fortunate that it couldn't get much worse. 'Cause everytime this shit goes wrong, the folks in the front row want to sing along and I start to feel so nauseous and sick, and I'm sorry I suck, but I've got a big dick!"

• "What a dumbass! Here's a tip for you, guys. If you're gonna beat her, don't teach her to fire the weapon!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Guy: "Hey, Jack, what's happening?"
  Jack: "I dunno."
  Guy: "Well, uh, rumor 'round town says you might be thinkin' 'bout goin' down to the shore."
  Jack: "Uh, yeah, I think I'm gonna go down to the shore."
  Dead Milkmen // Bitching Camaro

• Robot: "You like jokes, wiseass? How about I rip out your friggin' intestines as a funny joke? That sound funny to you, wiseass? Dumbass turd."
  Angrybot

• Robot: "Dumbass turd."
  Angrybot

• "The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My god. That means we're the majority. We're normal. It's the people that had the Mommy, the Daddy, the Brother and the Sister, the little white picket fence. Those people are the FREAKS, man!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "'I got some moves now, huh? I'm not seven anymore, am I? Come on. Me and you old man.' Except I only got out 'Old ma-'. I woke to an EKG machine beeping. ::ksh:: Dad standing over me. 'You're not gonna do that again, are ya?'"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Been wanting to find this wav again for a long time. The demise of Elmo.

• Announcer: "Elvis has left the building!"
  

• "No, Diabetes is a sugar imbalance. You are an estrogen Molotov cocktail."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "You got a thing for ewes."

• "I went to a pizzeria. I ordered a slice of pizza. The fucker gave me the smallest size possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. 'I would like to exchange this for the ‘Keep It’.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Happy Fairy: "Heello! I'm the happy fairy! And I have come to beat the shit out of you with my happy wand! How do you like them apples?"

• Woman: "I've fallen! And I can't get up!"

• Guy: "What's the last thing a stupid redneck says before he dies?"
  Guy: "What?"
  Guy: "HEY YA'LL WATCH THIS!"

• "I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time!"
  Mitch Hedberg

• James Brown: "WOW! I feeeel good."
  

• "Stopped drinking 'cause it's not really good for your health. And I fell into a bonfire."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said 'It's a fight to the finish.' That's a good place to end."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Robot: "Listen up, everybody. You're all fired from school. Now go home. And your homework is to eat bleach and die. I bet they won't do it. Worth a try."
  Angrybot

• Mitch Hedberg: "I was at a casino, standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
  

• Guy: "I would slap you right across your face if I didn't think you would, in turn, floor me."

• "I was at a park and saw a kid flying a kite. He was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now had he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have known. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker."
  Mitch Hedberg

• "You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."
  Mitch Hedberg

• "Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys."
  Mitch Hedberg

• "I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Sheep: “BAAA!”

• "I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal. Hey, you're using that machine to its exact purpose! That machine has been misunderstood for years."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Mitch Hedberg: "When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you are in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires.'"
  

• David Sedaris: "That's the most implausible aspect of the whole story. There's no way the bells of France would allow a foreign worker to fly in and take their job. That Roman bell would be lucky getting a job cleaning up after the French bell's dog. And even then he'd need paper."

• Clip from Full of Grace, by Sarah Mclachlan

• "You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Y'know, where my mother shoots and...kills a man?"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Guy: "The important thing here is that we get to the part where you ask me how I'm gonna get down to the shore."
  Jack: "Oh, how you gettin' down to the shore?"
  Guy: "Funny you should ask, I've got a car now."
  Dead Milkmen // Bitching Camaro

• Many different uses for the word 'fuck'.

• Eddie: "During the second world war Pope Pius the 12th was supposed to apologise - not apologise, he was supposed to castigate Hitler for being a genocidal fuck-head with bunny rabbit ears."
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• Guy: "Gimme gimme. Gimme the wav files. Give me! Ah, wav files, can't live without 'em."

• Woman: "Go to your corner!"

• Mitch Hedberg: "I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, 'Go around!'"
  

• Eddie: "[as God] 'Made the world in six days, seventh day...rested. Eighth day, I actually rested as well, ninth day rested, because I'd just made a WORLD, you know. Tenth day rested, actually I rested from then on, really. Fourteenth day, I decided to smoke all the marijuana, just to test the first batch. On the fifteenth day I decided to smoke all the opium I'd created, just to test the first batch. On the 309th day, I woke up again and I decided to create 500 huge monsters that I'd seen just the night before.'
  [as Jesus] 'Dad, did you have to make them so stupid?'
  [as God] 'Well, I didn't know what I was doing, I was off my tit, wasn't I?'"
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• Guy: "Ohhh, you're goin' straight to hell for that one!"

• Martha Stewart: "It's a good thing."

• Guy: "Great googly moogly."
  Snickers Commercial

• Eddie: "Because all the greek myths, it looks like they were written by someone with an enormous bag of weed."
  Eddie Izzard // Sexie

• Eddie: "Greyhounds are not too sharp upstairs. They get put in a cage once a week. And they go, 'What am I doing in a cage? What have I done? wooooooooooosh bunny rabbit bunny rabbit bunny rabbit bunny raaaaaaabbbbiiiiit.' They should be going, 'Deja vu...I've chased this bunny rabbit before."
  Eddie Izzard // Sexie

• Growling.

• Also Growling.

• Robot: "And if god didn't want us to kill our problems away, he wouldn't have given us guns and things."
  Angrybot

• "I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Someone singing hallelujah.

• Jim Bacchus: "I know a harem when I see one."

• "This is a man who survived four heart attacks. Yeah, the doctor revoked his organ donor card. Issued him a 'Hazardous Waste' decal."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Sir Mix A Lot: "Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt. Baby got back."

• Big Bopper: "Hellloooo, baaaaby!"

• Man: "Attention. Ladies and gentleman, attention. There is a herd of killer rabbits headed this way and we desparately need your help. Please keep calm and cooperate with the authorities. Do you read me?"

• Guy: "Hi, everybody!"

• Person: "Hi, A/S/L?"

• David Sedaris: "This is a grown man who now phones his father to say, 'Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy in so long I'd throw stones at it!"

• "Warning signs, electric fences, HIGH VOLTAGE! Done with sheep!"

• Robot: "Bitch! Hobog! Go screw (something)!"
  Angrybot

• "Hold me as the morning sky blacks out. Hold me, there's no time left now to doubt."
  Common Rotation // Everything Under the Sun

• Eddie: "But it normally does work, as long as you keep the chat sexy. 'I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.'"
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• Man: "On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?"
  Woman: "Yes."
  Man: "I bet you say that to all the boys."
  

• Eddie: "But they're mean and evil, they got all those teeth, but they're protected. They are protected, the great white shark, a protected species, because if they all die, there won't be any huge murdering beasts in the sea."
  Eddie Izzard // Sexie

• "Today is Wednesday. Today is hump day. And I am humping."

• Guy: "I can feel your nipples. They are large and hard."
  melantha.kallure.com

• "I like food!"
  

• Adam Busch: "This is all true, and the reason she knows it, is because Julio Iglesias was my father. I am the illegitimate son of Julio Iglesias."
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• Woman: I’ve got images in my brain that’ll never come out!”

• Adam Busch: "I'm not an artist! I've never been an artist! I don't know what an artist looks like! I have this sick obsessive need to stand in front of an audience and make up shit! Lie about my past, lie about my future, lie about where I'm going, lie about the members of this band, and the only way I can do that, is by pretending that I'm in a band. And that is the big payback. There's no such thing as an artist."
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• "Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting Dad is, 'Hi! You've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!'"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "Something in your eyes is making such a fool of me. When you hold me in your arms, you love me til I just can't see."
  Common Rotation // Borderline

• "I was in Ireland performing and I..."
  (audience member: 'Woo-Hoo!')
  "That's right. That's why I left, cuz fuckers go, 'Woo-Hoo!'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Mitch Hedberg: "I'm at a cigar store, the man behind the counter says, 'What kind of cigars do you like?' 'Uhhh... Itsaboys.'"
  

• JFK: "So, my fellow Americans. Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."

• "I want you to know I love my mom, and I owe her everything. Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. 'Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications. I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• "My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Matthew Mconahey: "William stops, and all of a sudden, his neck is getting really high, and he walks around her, gives her a kiss, walks back behind her again, kiss, and then all of a sudden he just turns a 360 and, like, to look at the world and the sun shining, and he starts going....licking the sky, man."

• "See, I believe life is about balance. My mom brilliant, but manipulative. Beautiful, but more voices in her head than the Wu Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say 'Last husband' because you don't get another one after that."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Guy: "Life fast, die young, have a good looking corpse."

• Chihuahua: "Heeere, lizard, lizard, lizard."
  Taco Bell Commercial

• "I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth."
  Mitch Hedberg

• ::zipper unzips:: ::swipe:: ::man screams::

• "Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head. Nothing but fish going, 'Ahhhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Mitch Hedberg: "I played in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were 'okay.'"
  

• Guy: "Love me two times, baby, love me twice today. Love me two times, girl, 'cause I've got AIDS. Love me two times, baby, once for tomorrow, once 'cause I've got AIDS."
  Dead Milkmen // Bitching Camaro

• "I saw a lady with a flower. She was plucking out the petals. She was saying, 'He loves me... he loves me not.' Thank god the flower can't talk. What would it say? 'Fuck! That hurts! Fuck! That hurts as well. Fuck, leave me alone. I'm no longer pretty...and he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Chick: "Sometimes I think males are the lowest form of life."

• "It actually comforts me to know that when I was in kindergarten gluing maccaroni to paper plates, my mom was in therapy gluing maccaroni to paper plates."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Robot: "No. I paid that bill already. No! No! I can't talk to you damn people. Put your automated touch tone answering service on. Sometimes it's impossible to get through to a machine."
  Angrybot

• Mitch Hedberg: "I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that."
  

• Clip from the Madonna song, Tell Me.

• "I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it won't fall down."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Eddie: "Lock and load! What do we want? We want the Earth! When do we want it? NOW MOTHERFUCKER!"
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• "And I stop on an article titled, 'Mental Illness...Genetic?' ::hysterical laughter:: I have an excuse!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "And people get so weird about mental illness. It's like anything else, you follow the rules. You don't put a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't take a mental patient hunting with you."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Chick: "You messed up. It's alright. I still love ya."

• Adam Busch: "She handed me this. Those of you up front can see, those in the back, we'll pass it around later, it'll be back by the mailing list. This is Julio Iglesias' contract. This is what you must have to higher Julio Iglesias. And it says, if I can just recite this for a second, that he must have backstage at every show two pounds of Mexican making makeup. What else? Spanish lessons from a tutor named Mrs Pateri, and because he's Jewish, a full bowl of Matza Ball soup and Farfel."
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• Matthew Mconahey: "It has a hell of a beginning, middle, and end."

• Chick: "Ahh, men. Can't live with them, can't play mind games without them."

• Guy: "I woke up this morning with a bad hangover, and my penis was missing again."

• "You know they call corn-on-the-cob, 'corn-on-the-cob', but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it 'Mitch', and then re-attached it, and call it 'Mitch-all-together.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Bill Cosby: "When your father comes home, he's going to shoot you in the face with a bazooka! And I am not going to stop him this time, either! You know, he's always wanted to kill you! The day you were born, he said, 'Kill it!' I stopped him from killing you for *eleven* years...and this is the thanks I get for saving your life!"
  Bill Cosby // Himself

• "Once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Eddie: "You have that saying, that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people'. But monkeys do, too. If they've got a gun. Without a gun, they're pretty friendly, but with a gun, they're pretty dangerous."
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• A cow moo'ing.

• Cow go moo.

• Little Boy: "More fun than getting dirty!"
  Commercial

• Margaret Cho: "I love my gay male friends, but when I was a little girl, I always wished that I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys, and I am, and I should've been more specific."
  

• David Sedaris: "The poles led the charge to the best of their ability. 'It is,' said one, 'a party for the little boy of God who call hisself Jesus and...oh shit...' She faultered and her fellow countrymen came to her aid. 'He call hisself Jesus and then he die one day on two morsels of lumber.'"

• "Honey, rub your beaver up and down my face. Sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "Oh darlin', make me push my dick and balls back between my legs."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace. Play with my balls and tell me how big they are."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "Strap on a dildo and make me give you head. Tell me to slow down and do it at a medium pace."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "I feel so humiliated, I'm about to blow my load."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "Then you look into my eyes and you realize how much I enjoy lovin' you."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy and watch me whack off."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "Now shave off my pubes and punch me in the face."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "You see that shampoo bottle? Now, stick it up my ass. Push it in and out at a medium pace."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "Now pull up my scrotom and take the shampoo bottle out of my ass."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "I'm so sorry I spunked on my stomach. Maybe next time I'll be better at lovin' you."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• "Call me an ugly woman and take my picture to show all the people you work with."
  At a Medium Pace, by Adam Sandler

• Adam Busch: "And the only joy that I found in my sad, poor little existance was the music of the streets. The music of the people. The music of anarchy. The music of freedom. The music of Julio Iglesias."
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• "My mom's insane. Of course, I don't mean 'My mom is insane!' I mean, 'We the jury find the defendant.'"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Adam Busch: "I did, I took this thing over to these guys, and I said, 'Eric, Eric, my mother says that there's no such thing as an artist, and that I'm Jewish, I'm not really Mexican, and that Julio Iglesias was my father.' And he says, 'Well, yeah.'"
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• "Now, now, now let me clear my throat. Have mercy, babe. I hope you don't mind, let me clear my throat."

• English guy: "Oh, you are the naughty bunny, aren't you? ::chuckles:: I liiike you."

• Groucho Marx: "The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will ya?"

• "But no honeymooning until after we're married!"
  

• High-pitched voice: "IIIIII don't think I need anymore coffee!"
  

• Adam Busch: "And there's no such thing as an artist. Artists are just sycophantic, disgusting perverted human beings who use their art, their music, their writing, their acting, as a front, a front to cover up their pathetic obssessions."
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• Guy: Sometimes I think you're not as dumb as I think you are."

• "And I couldn't! figure! it! out! How come I'm not crazy?! How come I'm not psychotic?!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says 'Say thanks'."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Adam Busch: "And she said, 'Listen. No more Julio Iglesias, no more, and I'm gonna tell you why. For two reasons. One, Julio Iglesias is NOT an artist. It's a lie, it's a-'I was as shocked as you are. She said, 'It's a lie. It's a fabrication. He's not even mexican.'"
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• Chick: "Attention chatters! Will all nymphomaniacs please report to the main room for play time immediately? Get your butts out of the attic right now! Thank you."

• Girl: "Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt."

• "One less worthless man around. Men who don't have the guts to survive in the real world because they're afraid the world will find out how small their penises are."
  

• "No, my love, she is nothing. She's only everything."
  Common Rotation // Everything Under the Sun

• Mix of the Original George Bush saying some lovely things about his wife.
  

• TINNY bit from "Sympathy for the Devil", by The Rolling Stones.

• Announcer: "Due to mature adult content, parental discretion is advised."

• "Why don't you get up and explain to my why the car's parked at such an odd angle...on the porch...across the street."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, 'I'm hungry' so it died."
  Mitch Hedberg

• "It's a common clue. You say I'm losing you. But I believe you're losing me and you should see that that is (something something). Get your party on."
  Common Rotation // Sit Down

• "So please, don't look at me. I'm not guilty. Well, I'm just a pawn in somebody's game. And I have no reason to feel ashamed."
  Common Rotation // Pawn

• Guy: "Look, am I paying for this personal abuse, or is it extra?"

• Guy: "I saw my penis lying on a blanket, next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off of him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen."

• Guy: "People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but I don't know. Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis."

• A clip from the Pinwheel theme song.

• Robot: "Don't talk, play the friggin' tuba!"
  Angrybot

• Guy: "Ohh, that'll teach me to say please."
  

• Man: "Now repeat after me. 'I am not a pleasure unit. I am not a pleasure unit."

• Woman: "I do NOT have PMS!" ::cat raaaaaaar'ing::

• Chick: "I have PMS and a gun."
  Guy: "You ain't foolin' me, girlie girl."
  ::gunshots
  Chick: "Any questions?"
  Other guy: "Holy shit!"
  Bugs Bunny: "Weeeell, good-bye!"

• Eddie: "And he goes around in a Popemobile. The only other person who does that is Batman, goes around in the Batmobile. 'Cause he's Popeman! Popeman, Popeman, with Alter Boy!"
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• Eddie: "He looked at the stars, and said, 'I think the earth goes around the sun.' And the pope was overjoyed at the truth of his word and put him under house arrest for 20 years. That pope has been renamed Pope Shit For Brains the Ninth."
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• Robot: "You're fired! Fired from school! Now go home and eat some powdered bleach or whatever."
  Angrybot

• Guy: "Who can withstand the power of god?!"
  

• "At the end of my letters, I like to write "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
  Mitch Hedberg

• "Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? Mcdonald's commercials end like this: 'Prices and participation may vary.' I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. 'Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown. He attracts too many children.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Eddie: "Before puberty, at school I didn't tell kids that I was a transvestite, because I thought they might...kill me with sticks."
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• "I like the public hot tub at the hotel, the whirlpool? I like to go there when there's a guy in there already, I say, 'Hey, man, you mind if I join you?' He says no. Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up, then I come by and I add some carrots and onions. Then I say, 'Hey man, just simmer for a while. I mean, sit there.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Adam Busch: "If I can just pull on your coat about something for one minute."
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• Cat purring.

• Bill Cosby: "'I'll take a stick and knock your brains out!' I always wanted to get some calves' brains, keep 'em in my hand. My mother would hit me in the head, I'd throw 'em on the floor. But knowing my mother, it wouldn't work. She'd say, 'Put your brains back in your head! Don't you let your brains fall out of your head! Have you lost your mind?'"
  Bill Cosby // Himself

• "Well, here's a quarter, call someone who cares."
  Here's a Quarter, by Travis Tritt

• Guy: "Yeah, you go have quiet shut up time now."

• David Sedaris: "'And who brings the chocolate?' the teacher asked. I knew the word, and so I raised my hand, saying, 'The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.' 'A rabbit?' The teacher, assuming I'd used the wrong word, positioned her index fingers on top of her head, wiggling them as though they were ears. 'You mean one of these? A rabbit rabbit?' 'Well, sure', I said. 'He come in the night when one sleep on a bed. With a hand he have a basket and foods.' The teacher sighed and shook her head. As far as she was concerned, I had just explained everything that was wrong with my country."

• Mitch Hedberg: "I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide.'"
  

• "Well, I don't mind reading. It's reading books that I hate."
  

• Man: "She was living in a single room with three other individuals. One of them was a male, and the other two? Well, the other two were females. God only knows what they were up to in there. And furthermore, Susan, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn that all four of them habitually smoked marijuana cigarettes. Reefers."
  Two Joints // Sublime

• Eddie: "Yeah, because I don't believe religions are religions. No, I believe they're philosophies, with some good ideas and some fuckin' weird ones."
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• "And Dad collected things for me, stepmothers. Until I was ten, I thought women were Rent to Own."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "A mini-bar is a machine that makes everything expensive. And when I take something out of the mini-bar, I always fathom that I'm gonna replace it before they can check me off and charge me. But they make that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, 'Do you have Coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• "Wooooah, takin' retards to the zoo!"
  Dead Milkmen // Taking Retards to the Zoo

• Mitch Hedberg: "I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it, and he said he really likes it but he thinks that I needed to rewrite it. I said, 'Fuck that, I'll just make a copy.'"
  

• A frog going 'ribbit'.

• "I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. 'Snap, Crackle, Mitch and Pop!' 'Hey, how the fuck did he do that?' In Hollywood, it's all who you know, and I know Crackle."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Rimshot.

• Eddie: "But then the Roman Empire fell, like this. Oooh, shit."
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• Matthew Mconahey: "Can I finish?"
  John Stewart: "You finish, you finish."
  Matthew Mconahey: "Alright, let me finish, let me finish."
  John Stewart: "You wanna get a running start to finish?"

• Sam Kinnison screaming.

• Mighty Mouse: "Here I come to save the day!"
  

• Eddie: "But I was saving my virginity for a woman made out of breasts."
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• "An airplane today, not a real good place to have a nervous breakdown. I'm not worried they're gonna think I have a bomb, but I don't want to scare the idiot actually carrying the bomb."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Eddie: "And then someone found out that French cows eat sewage. They are fed sewage. Poo! They eat poo! And they have four stomachs, cows. So surely one of those stomachs is going to go, 'Hang on, I've seen this shit before."
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• "I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
  Mitch Hedberg

• "What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know. We never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to open shit."
  Mitch Hedberg

• "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Eddie: "So, splashy-splashy's going well, I suddenly think, 'I know! I'll turn, I'll do swimmy-swimmy, and then maybe she'll do swimmy-swimmy, too, in a kind of chase me-chase me way, and then we'll do catchy catchy and an underwater sexy-sexy.' But I turned, and I was so elated that splasy-splashy was actually working that I swam like a boy chased by sharky-sharkys."
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• "Quiet gals, I think the shepherd's coming!"

• "If you've been through a lot of shit in your life, you know everytime the shit's just about to hit the fan, you step to the side of the fan."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Chick: "May I sit on your lap?"
  ::boooiiing::
  Chick: "Oooh!"

• "A line doesn't last very long, but it's not the size of the mic, it's the length of the song."
  Common Rotation // Rockstar

• Woman: "Sometimes you have to slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap them in the face just to get their attention."

• "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Mitch Hedberg: "I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke say, 'Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking.' Yes, I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing."
  

• "I couldn't do anything, man. If I went to dinner with friends, I couldn't use the fork. 'Cause I just thought, I'm gonna snap, right in the middle of dinner. 'How you guys doing, how's the baby do-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "Oh, no, a snert!"

• "I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fishticks in shit. That's actually kinda gross."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Mitch Hedberg: "I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator temporarily out-of-order' sign. Only 'Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
  

• Adam Busch: "Well, I'm sorry I suck, but I've got a big dick!"

• "When I play the south, they say ya'll in the south. They take out the O and the U. So when I'm in the south I try to talk like that so people understand me. 'Hello can I have a bowl of chicken noodle sp?' Come on I'm in the south, you understand. 'I mean I'm in the sth and I want some sp. I stubbed my toe...ch! I need to lay down on the cch.' I need to get the fck t f the sth."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Guy: "You've got spam."

• Eddie: "He did apologize for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive, supposed to be the Spanish casual chat!"
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• Robot: "All the time people are telling me to shut up. And you know what I say to them? I says no, I don't shut up, YOU shut up. And then I would spit on them, only I can't, I'm a robot, but I make a spitting noise, like ::spit:: Like that."
  Angrybot

• Eddie: "We end up in a swimming pool. And I'm doing splashy-splashy with this girl I really fancy, and she's doing splashy-splashy back. And I'm thinking, 'Fuck it, I'll splashy back!' Because splashy-splashy is the aquatic equivalent of 'Do you want a cup of coffee?'"
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• Eddie: "Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, 'arararar', and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, 'Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fucking squirrel!'"
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• Chick: "Treat me like a postage stamp. Lick me. Stick me. Just don't send me away."

• The opening chords to Staying Alive, complements of Alley.

• "I wrote a letter to my Dad. I was gonna write, 'I really enjoy being here,' but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I still wanted to use it, I didn't want to scratch it out, so I wrote, 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. I know this letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Robot: "Oh yeah? You don't like it? Well, suck my steel expansion rod."
  Angrybot

• Robot: "Anyway, there's an old saying that goes, 'sticks and stones can break your bones'. It's true, you know, so watch yourself. Now give me a cigarette. AND a lighter. I want to smoke it, not look at it."
  Angrybot

• "My dad didn't mean it like a lot of parents mean it. Your kid hits his head on the coffee table, 'Stop being a wussy.' My father meant, if I got my arm ripped off by a combine in a cornfield, my father would find the arm, get some duct tape, strap the arm back on. 'Alright go play, stop being a wussy.' 'Thank you, father, I'm so much better now! Never more wussy shall I be! I can still try out for the soccer team. Though not goalie.'"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Robot: "People think, 'oh, Angry bot, he's such an asshole, he's just some big mean jerk.' But what they don't see is that THEY'RE the stupid dumbass jerkoffs and if they would just stop breathing and die for a change, then maybe I wouldn't be so ticked off all the time."
  Angrybot

• "On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at?"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Robot: "MM-hmm. Mm-hmm. Good. Okay, now you know what I think might help? Is if you stop sucking so bad, because this sucking is getting to be a big problem with you, mister."
  Boy: "But-"
  Robot: "Don't talk, play the frigging tuba."
  Angrybot

• "If I had a cough, BOOM! Shot of whiskey. Got out of hand, though. One day I woke up in a field on my big wheel, naked. Strange pampers on my head. First grade show and tell, taught the class how to make Long Island Iced Teas. From scratch."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Eddie: "And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period."
  Eddie Izzard // Circle

• "In Kilkenny Ireland, they don't have anything American over there, it's very cool. But they did have a Subway sandwich shop. That was the one thing they had American, and that became the American Embassy to me. I would go out to a bar and piss off an Irish dude and have him chase me to the Subway. I said, 'Dude, I'm sorry, but you're out of your jurisdiction.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Unknown: "You suck, you jackass!"
  

• "So I cracked the door and she punched me in the face!! So I summoned my manhood from bottom to top, and I screamed like a little girl, 'I'M CALLING THE COPS!'"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "He's got the same problem with alcohol as I have, his personality flips. And he would just change, and I was five when it started happening. I had no idea what the hell was wrong with him. I just thought he had an alter ego. Like he was a superhero. The most negative super hero on the planet. Anti-Dad!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "It's a hard personal ad to get answered. 'Wanted: Loving, caring man who can take a BULLET!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "They're coming to take me away, ha-ha, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-ha."

• Chihuahua: "Oh, great, a talking gekko."
  Geiko Commercial

• Robot: "Hey! Get back here! I'm talking to you! Now..."
  Angrybot

• "I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets out of line, I'm like, 'Come on, man, you know the deal.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Robot: "Hey, you look at my girlfriend one more time, and I'll rip your eyes out and shove em up your asshole, which I will also rip out, and then tear you a new one."
  Angrybot

• Guy: "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

• Adam Busch: "This is the big payback. It's the same thing as Ozzy Osbourne and his bats, and Elvis and his fried tomato or banana and peanut butter sandwiches, and Woody Allen and Soon Yi. There's no such thing as an artist, and you, son, are not an artist."
  Common Rotation // Hidden Track

• "But this woman took EVERYTHING. This woman took the 'C' word." ::audience reacts:: "I KNOW!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Matthew Mconahey: "So, he, so three is a charm. The third ___ was the one for William, and her."

• "You can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker!"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Mitch Hedberg: "Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's like they're saying, 'Here. You throw this away.'"
  

• Guy: "Mmmm, I don't get it."

• "If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down the sidewalk with him, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Mitch Hedberg: My friend came up to me and he said, 'Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like, dude. You have to give me time to guess."
  

• Man: "Oh, I should never have let you tamper with my tinsel."

• "Oh, now he's attempting the 'touch your nose test'. Let's stop it right here. Hey, dad? I'm pretty sure you're supposed to put the beer down FIRST."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Stooge: "I'm trying to think, but nothing happens!"

• Robot: "That was just about the crappiest version of 'Louis, Louis' I've ever goddamned heard. Beethoven is turning over in his grave."
  Children: "But-"
  Robot: "I know he didn't write the song, that's how bad it was. He didn't even WRITE it, and he rolled over."
  Angrybot

• Reporter: "How did you find America?"
  John Lennon: "Turn left at Greenland."
  

• "Turn on. Tune in. And drop out."
  

• "A wop bop a loo ma a wop bam boom!"
  

• "When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was."
  Mitch Hedberg

• "See, she had a little QUIRK. A little glitch. We'd get into arguments. I would present my side of the argument. Her retort would invariably be to punch me in the face. 'Twas a sugar imbalance. I started carrying Twix in a holster."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Tenacious D singing.
  

• Mitch Hedberg: "He stood on the monitor, and he said, 'How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?' Then he said, 'How many of you people feel like animals?' And the thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part. But I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. 'Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree.'"
  

• Eddie: There's only two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!"
  Eddie Izzard // Dressed to Kill

• "I type 101 words a minute, but it's in my own language."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Operator: "The number you have reached, 9...1...1...has been changed to a nonpublished number."

• "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Man: "It even vibrates like real!"
  Old Commercial

• Elmer Fudd: "Another wabbit's dead. I'm a wabbit swayer, a guitar pwayer, with a nasty habit. KILL THE WABBIT!"

• "When I was a kid, she was in a mental care facility. Or as dad so eloquently put it, 'She's shacked up in the whacko basket!'"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• Guy: "WAAAKE uuuuuuuUP!!!!!!!!!!!"

• "You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit, man, because that thing would knock you on your ass!"
  Mitch Hedberg

• "Wav junky!"

• Mitch Hedberg: "My neck is so fragile. I can't wear a regular necked shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to BRING YOU DOWN!"
  

• "Some songs have a special meaning for a man, regarding a woman. But this could backfire, because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, and now it's been cheated. 'We are the world, we are the children. We are the ones who make a better life, so let's keep on giving. You remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetary?'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• :My friend said to me, 'I think the weather's trippy.' I said, 'No man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• “I think we’re getting into a weird area here.”

• Robot: "Go choke on some wheatgrass, you hippie."
  Angrybot

• Margaret Cho: "And I went through this whole thing, you know. I was like: Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?"
  

• A puppy whimpering.

• Chick: "Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you."
  ::whip crack::
  Man: ::screams::
  

• The sound of a whip cracking.
  

• "You are some messed up white people."
  

• "She and I had a fight Christmas Eve, watching Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, where I ended up calling the cops! That earns me a white trash black belt!"
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• "I got in an argument with a guy at the bar. I bet him fifty bucks I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I am very competitive."
  Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

• The window's 'tada' sound gone terribly wrong.

• "I saw this wino. He was eating some grapes. It's like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

• Guy: "I was starting to get desparate. I really don't like being without my penis for too long, it makes me feel like less of a man and I really hate having to sit down everytime I take a leak."

• "I can't live...with or without you."
  With or Without You, by U2

• "When a man loves a woman very much, he lay down and the man gives the woman twenty dollars."
  

• "I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."
  Eddie Izzard // Glorious

• "I did a radio interview, the DJ's first question was, 'Who are you?' I had to think. Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive to the wrong station?"
  Mitch Hedberg

• David Sedaris: "Use the word ya'll, and before you knew it you'd find yourself in a haystack, french kissing an underaged goat."

• Mitch Hedberg: "Alcoholism is a disease. But it's, like, the only disease you can get yelled at for having."
  

• Girl: "Yo!"

• Things that Yoda would say in bed.

• "I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don't give up, please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top."
  Mitch Hedberg

• Chick: "I know you are, but what am I?"

• Robot: "No, my credit card's not rejected, you're rejected!"
  Angrybot

• "I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk; she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here, some other woman answered. I said, 'You sound older!'
  Mitch Hedberg

• "Xylophone is spelled with an 'x', that's wrong. Xylophone zzzz 'x', I don't fucking see it. It should be a 'z' up front. Next time you have to spell 'xylophone', use a 'z'. And if someone says, 'Hey, that's wrong', say 'No, it's not. If you think that's wrong, you need to have your head z-rayed.'"
  Mitch Hedberg

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